Remembrance

One shouldn’t be narrating their own death. It just doesn’t work that way. But since I am doing it, there must be something seriously wrong with me. Thinking as such I started to remember.

Dying, embracing death.

I clearly remember the moment of my death, it was cold, it was so cold.
That coldness its the only thing I seem to remember. Everything else seems foggy. It's there but hidden behind the mist.

It's cold oh so cold. I can’t go like this. I need to find solace. There's warmth behind the murkiness, I must find it. It’s everything I have.

Blinded in fog there is only one figure that I could make out. The figure itself made it clear what it was. It was only standing black robe, with something ever so slightly humanoid, of course, that's only what I could make out of it.

Death.

Death asked if I wanted to go up the stairs and find peace in the afterlife but I denied all the same.
"The staircase will always be here, it’s the only thing I can offer, to someone like you I suppose."
"but... I don't want to... I want to know."
"I understand. But somethings are left best unknown. but I suppose you wouldn’t know that. Are you sure you want you stay here and wander this earth around the same as me? It’s a lonesome hobby.
"..."
"I understand,"
he raised his arm and revealing a sort of staircase up to the sky and to my amazement, It didn’t follow any of the rules I knew stairs follow. I guess Euclidian geometry isn't really universal here.
" Where does that go?"
he smiled... or I think he did.
"you know where" his smile. it seemed warm, yet the coldness of his existence shivered down my spine.
"farewell then young wanderer. I hope you find what you are searching for in this wasteland of... well you be the judge of that.
"w-wait!"
"hhmm?"
"mind pointing out in which direction should I start? you know wandering and all?"
he laughed as if I told him the funniest of jokes.
"You’re a funny one, aren't you? Well look around you, there’s no end of places to go to and the end of time is in...." he pretends to check his watch, " well it’s a long time since it starts so, go on shoo shoo"
he was shooing me away like a stray dog or something. funny.
"hehe farewell, then friend. until we meet again!"

"... friend? meeting again? huh, how cruel mistress fate can be sometimes..."

" Did you say something?"

i looked back and didn't see him since. I wonder where he is. how he is. does he enjoy reaping souls?

he wasn't reaping souls. now I understand. he was the same as me. a wanderer. yes, it is lonely. very lonely. I suppose even he had his reasons for not going. same as me.

2.

When I came to again It seems I was somewhere eerily familiar. I wonder where. It looked like a garage? There were items all over the place. Mainly instruments? It feels like I recognize them but everything seems to be going hazy.
At that time, the door of the garage opened. I saw man, white beard, sunglasses, had a black headband and jacket. Normal blue jeans to go with it.

“Does, this jog your memory boy?”

Who the hell is this guy? Looks like a biker gang member.

“I uh, no. No it doesn’t”
“Ah well, no one said it's going to be easy.”

It wasn’t huh. I feel like I've already walked millions of stairs to get here. To what? No avail?

The biker handed me a smoke.

“These things kill you know.”
“Yes. I know that”
“I wonder why”
“I’m still not satisfied.”
“You never were”

Without replying I walk outside the garage. Something about the place irks me. I feel anxious. I feel fear.

3.

I couldn't discern if the screen before me was big or I was small. The screen seemed to be stretching all the sky. I kept staring at it. There was a black man standing before a mic, smiling. Just smiling, moving his lips, What was he doing?

I noticed a tall woman was right next to me. She had long messy goth hair. A black jacket over black tops. She had a small twisted tattoo on under her eyes.
I looked at her for a while. She looked down at me and smiled. She held my small tiny hands tightly and looked forward. The screen flickered. Men Woman kept flashing on the screen.

“Do you remember anything?”
“I feel like I don’t want to.”
“I said as much.”
“But I still want to…..”
“This indecision really costed you, you know that?”

I wouldn't know. I don’t want to know.

I want to do it. I shoudn’t do it.

It would be good if that were to happen, It would be better if it didn’t happen.

I didn’t even notice the big screen fell on me.

4.

I was sitting by a window. I felt old. Everything felt it was from the Renaissance and after. I felt an intense sadness. I saw a man lying on the bed. He was pale. He was sweating. His eyes had an empty stare.
I saw people crying around him. I saw people praising him. I saw people loving him.

I saw people looking at me just for a second. Then they looked away. Please look at me. Why wouldn't you look at me? Please look at me. There is something to look at here. Please don’t ignore me. Please acknowledge me.

I felt older. The doorbell rang. I opened it. A figured covered with black. A head mask that seemed Egyptian. Black boots to black pants. A pitch dark cape.

I screamed. I screamed my lungs out. I screamed until I couldn't. Until the only thing came out was air.

Gray messenger. I hear music. It was a ballad. A death ballad.

“Great way to bring back memories is to relieve them. No matter how many lifetimes back the memories are.”

I couldn't reply back to the gray messenger.

“You remember this don’t you?”

I only nodded. After a while, I put my self back up. I put my self on a chair. Death took one too.

“Even here I was a mediocrity”

“Your sad, your angry,”

“God loved him. God never looked back to me.”

“That’s not true.”

“I loved it just as much as him. I cared for it, I worked for it.”

“I never denied that”

“Then why? WHY?!”

“What was it for? Why did you want it?”

“I… I wanted to express myself. It was the only way I could. It was dear to me, I held it close to me. It was my raison d’être.”

“Than why are you angry?”

I don’t understand. But before I said it. I came back.

5.

I was young. I was on a rooftop. It was evening. The sun was slowing vanishing behind the sky. It was a mixture of orange and red. I see a few people sitting around me of my age. I see them swinging their heads. I see them clapping following something, I see them clicking with their hands following something.
I feel my lips moving. I feel the rhythm, I feel pitch, I feel alive. I feel tears sliding down my cheeks. I see everything.

The warmth slowly started fading. I felt no fear. The coldness grew. I felt no fear.

“Was it a good life?” The humanoid robe askes me.

“Yes.”

“That's nice to hear.”

“Thank you. Thank you fo seeing me.”

“Oh, its nothing. I meet everyone eventually. Shall we go?”

I nodded. There was no fog. It was as clear as nursery rhyme.