The Library Girl

Today, on a complete whim I decided to go to the school library. It was during recess and I had nothing to do. Usually, I just chat with my friends while eating as per usual but I just felt like walking today. On the walk, I discovered that our library is actually pretty big.
When you enter through the door the first thing you'll notice is the two long table in a row and behind those two are all the shelves with books inside.

When I entered I expected the scent of books but what I smelt was wood. The smell of wood was so strong that it overlapped everything else. Visually you will see the old librarian sitting on his desk idly. A couple of students will be walking through the isles of books and a couple would be sitting at the table.

Just like the smell of the wood, the overbearing visual attraction was this one girl who was sitting at the first seat at the first desk. For some reason, no other student sat on the first desk only the second. Maybe because you could see the first desk from the door?

From the girl, what I felt, was a sincere level of concentration. The concentrating she induced was so powerful that you can't help but look at her. It was so strong that you feel it in your body. As if human bodies could feel something as abstract as that. Maybe we can do that. It's just that no one except this girl has ever reached that level of concentration before. And I was the first to discover it. Seriously she looked so beautiful. This might as well be the defining example.

Seriously her concentration is so strong it's feeling the air with alien energy. I want to look away, but it's like the sun shining relentlessly on you, that even if you don't look straight at it, it burns down your skin. My brain switches between look and don't look unable to decide which is best. I can't blame it, my brain hell no one's brain could comprehend this foreign sensation.

In the end, I decided to face it head-on. I picked a book from the academics section and sat in the chair right opposite of her. It seems contracted by her overwhelming concentration for so long I am able to withstand it somewhat. Seeing it upfront really made me envy her. This is what they call being lost in their own world or something, right? Or being so induced in something that they don't notice anything. Like someone so into prayer that, even if you shoot him, he will die after his prayer ends. I'm pretty sure I've heard of something like that.

I decided to distract her. To see the length of her commitment. But right before I decided to knock on the table for no reason I stopped. Suddenly, looking at her, I felt that if I do anything of that sort, I will commit an unforgivable sin. Nothing, not even confessing to a priest would be able to absolve that sin. God himself would come and put me down.

So in the end I simply stayed there until the end of recess. I looked at my book for one second and at her next. She was reading "Do androids dream of electric sheep" I had no idea of any literature except the stuff they make us study in English class so I had no idea what that book was. But the name interested me a lot. What did it mean? Was it some kind of pun on the fact that we count sheep to help us sleep? Androids? Other than the operating system that means something like a cyborg right? I don't know the correct definition. So was that book Sci-fi? I thought girls only read rom-com? Or is it just my sister? What would the story be with a name like that?
I wanted to search it up right now but it would be wrong to use a phone in the library. I decided to think about the book later.

The girl unaffected by my mental dilemmas was soundly reading the book. Looking at her really made it feel like there was nothing else. Only her and the book. There is nothing else in the world. For a second I felt so transparent that I had to check if I was still there. She's like a blackhole that enraptures everything around her with an aberration level of concentration.

She herself was as mild as it can be. She was a healthy girl. Her cheeks was round and fluffy. She wore school uniform as the guidebook tells you to. Her eyes were big and round with deep black pupils. Her lip was so thin it felt translucent. Her hair was short enough one small topknot is enough to tie her hair tightly.

When the bell rang she came back into the world and in a motion, she seemed used to, closed the book and put it in her bag. Then she simply stood up and walked away. I was still sitting there trying to reciprocate myself from the experience until the librarian told me to get to class.

2.

The whole night I thought about her and the strong impression she had left me. Nothing came to my mind except from her. I decided that I would go to the library next day as well. I also checked that book she was reading. It seems like i was right on the money it was a science fiction novel. A pretty well known at that. It also has a reallly famous movie adaptation that I decided to watch later.

The next day during recess I went to the library just as planned. She was right there. At the usual sit. And just like yesterday, no one else was at that table. This smelt like bad juju. But I was already entrapped. Like the day before I simply took a book from the academics section and sat right opposite of her.

She was reading the book from yesterday. She seemed to have read more than half of it only a few pages remaining. I wouldn't be surprised if she chewed out books at her home too. Such a nerdy thing to do I thought.
And suddenly I grabbed that thought and it mingled itself into something completely new.

Exactly why was I here? What was I doing? I mean not that I have anything else to do but seriously though, what was I doing and why.

In simple words I was checking out this girl. A very teenage boy thing to do of course. But why her? What exactly I found appealing about her? I could not point it out. The aura she exudes has certainly caught my attention but is that enough for me to think of nothing but being in the library just to see her?

Wait or is this love? Pardon that very cliche realization like a twelve-year-old girl but am I really experiencing "love at first sight but realized just a bit later" skit? Do I have a crush? I thought it was a more simple procedure.

Like I definitely know what these words mean. I have certainly been attracted to many girls in my life. Our drama teacher makes me feel all tingly every time I see her freckles. But this is different. The emotion is so strong it overshadows everything else.

I really was in love. With my sudden realization, the bell rang, and in the usual motion of action, she left. She once again left without even realizing my inner turmoil. Seriously why are women so cruel.

3.

I asked some of my friends and all of them had the same sentiment. I really was in love. So I should head-on and go for it. But I had no idea how to go for it. I always thought this thing just naturally happens. Like just happens. Or I simply hadn't thought about it all that much. A serious miss-step because I felt at loss for what to do. But my friends simply say talk to her.

That was a pretty simple and amazing answer I tried to execute for the next two days but have failed to. At first, it was just what should I say and when. But the feeling of destroying her flow of reading also made me stop.
It's not even an excuse I genuinely waited for her concentration to falter. For her to just get a drink or something. On the third day, a revelation came. It was as if Jesus himself just came down and shown me a path.

I assume it's a friend of her, a really beautiful girl came and talked to her about something and left.

I was in shock. The world had not ended. I had this impression that the moment she was disturbed the balance of the universe will be twisted and the fabrics of reality would just start to tear apart.

Nothing of that sort happened and she just got back to reading in the same concentration as before.

My head felt heavy and my heart is worn as the bell rang and in the usual motion she left. I was again left alone without being acknowledged. For someone who reads so much, she was certainly stupid for not understanding my feelings.


4.


On the fourth day, God created the sun and on the fourth day, I decided to talk to someone who shined just as brightly.
I took a book from the foreign books section and sat next to her with one sit space between us. She of course didn't look at me I'm pretty sure she didn't even notice.

I sat there staring at my book with disinterest. The book she was reading was called "The starry rift" probably another sci-fi. She really only reads sci-fi, doesn't she?

Alright here is the plan. I'll say I've noticed her reading sci fi's a lot and that I wanted a recommendation. Easy.much better than saying something like hey I read this book. No matter how good I lie it would sound disingenuin. I guess I could actually try reading tbe book but thats too much effort.

So I simply said "Hey"...

For the next ten minutes, I pain stackingly realized that I am incredibly bad at talking with people. How have I not realized this sooner? Or is it just because it's this girl in particular. Damn, is this the love effect? Or am I again irrationally rationalizing my shortcomings. I feel like I tend to do that a lot.

But except for her initial shock, she was completely fine and didn't even notice my ineptitude. Or she simply decided to not let it show. I'm conflicted about what I would have rather preferred.

We didn't actually talk about sci-fi in the end. I'm not sure what we talked about. But when the ball rang and she left a bit unusually I felt a strange sense of peace. My heart felt normal and everything felt normal. I felt good. I wasn't wrongfully angry at anyone or anything. This must be happiness.

5.


From the next day, I sat right beside her with no chair between us. I could easily sense that she was the shy type and that she was definitely not ready for me sitting next to her but my friends say girls like guys who are assertive and my sis agrees. I had no qualms with it but I felt a bit bad if her reading session was going to be disrupted. A small price to pay I rationalized. She will get used to it.
I never thought I was into the shy types. But every time I excitedly say her name she gets a bit flustered gives me immense satisfaction for some reason.

In a few days, however, I quickly realized something that I probably should have sooner. I think my love is terribly one-sided. She has grown used to coming to every recess even waiting for me sometimes. But not from a single ounce from our conversation I felt any sense of affection that was more than "the guy sitting next to me".

The sudden realization hit me like a truck. I was way over my head in this whole situation. I thought if I figure out myself everything else just happens. But I forgot that I just had a poor start. The hard part is understanding her. My feelings were the easy part.

The floor that I thought had a solid grounding was now full of holes unlike before everything from here I have no baseline plans for. Everything is a dice roll, everything is an unlimited number of rng that may never hit its mark.

I was again lost and devastated. When the bell rang and her body moved in the all too usual manner she simply said see you next time and left me. Once again not noticing the storm in my head.



6.

I took various advice from female friends all of them gave me a different sort of plan that made Hamlet pale in complexity.

I decided to do absolutely nothing and simply enjoy the time I spend with her. I noticed when I'm not constantly trying to start a war in my brain I just enjoy my time at the library. She rubbed off me and now I am a nerd who enjoys the library. Oh, how the mighty has fallen.

"Your reading something new? You already finished "Tigris and Euphrates?"I asked her.
She chimed in affirmatively.
"Now I'm reading "The moon is a harsh mistress"
"Whats it about?"
"Libertarian ideals."
"Oh cool politics," I said not really thinking about it.

My next question always turns out to be “why do you read all this hard stuff?” (She doesn't actually. She sometimes read children's books) or why do you read science fiction?

But for some reason, I never end up asking that. Something deep within me stops me. Some reason I feel like I should never ask and never know why she reads sci-fi. It's like I am not meant to know. If I somehow know something very precious will be lost.
So I don't know. Now that I think about it I know very little about her.

"What are you reading?" She asked.
"Aha. I'm reading "And then there were none" it's a murder mystery"
"It's by Christie I know. I haven't read it myself."
"Reading detective stuff makes me feel smart."

Our conversations are mostly this. Meaninglessness banter about books and everything meaningless. Non of strained any sort of mental pressure. I don't know about her but I got used to this time of ours. There was no strain no negativity no positivity nothing of that like here. It was a true neutral ground. A place where my soul rests itself from everything else. I think this is what the monks mean by spiritual peace. With this sense of peace, our time passed.


7.

"Hey what does this say?" I asked her pointing a part in the book
"Let's see" She looked at the part and started reading it. I hate how she reads the part aloud for some reason every time I ask her to look at a part.

"Had I remained there despite the passage of the hours, to stare at that bird’s head, that spear’s tip, that obverse helmet, as it traced its diagonals in the void, grazing the opposing points of its astigmatic circumference, I would have fallen victim to an illusion: that the Pendulum’s plane of oscillation had gone full circle, had returned to its starting point in thirty-two hours, describing an ellipse that rotated around its center at a speed proportional to the sine of its latitude.” she took a deep breath.

"Basically,-"

She then continued to explain the sentence in a very simple fashion. Obviously, I still did not understand anything of it. I promptly got up and put the book back.

"What are you reading now?" I asked returning.
"The dandelion girl. You should see this one too it's short and sweet"
"Sure. I find short stories more appealing than novels for some reason"
"Ehhh. Why?"
"I don't know something about how the story leaves an after taste really gets me"
"Every novel I read gives me an aftertaste good or bad"
"No not like that. Like, the sense of actuality it has. Something about short stories comes of authentic to me. They feel like a sort of dream or a memory. You never know the whole thing nor understand it. Your left to wonder about other parts of their life or the whole story. I mean it can be the same in a novel but in that case, you have a complete understanding of it. It doesn't feel that abstract anymore nor real at the same time of course there are exceptions."
"Hmmm. I get what you're saying but I don't really agree with it. I think you just haven't read enough of anything yet."
"That could be the case"


At that time that friend of hers came again. Azalea is her name. But everyone just calls her Azel. I'm pretty sure she's pretty much the most beautiful girl in the school. I was actually surprised at how she was friends with our library girl.

"Hey, Tani. Hey, fingers" she greeted us both. She calls me fingers because of my extra one finger in my left hand. Tani says she actually doesn't know that it's kinda rude. I can say that that's true. Not that I will ever tell her to say otherwise. Being acknowledged by her is enough.

She whispered something in her ears excitingly. Tani nodded accordingly and then Azel left. She does this quite a lot actually. Azel while beautiful has this cold aura around her. Tani is pretty much the only good friend she has. If you know her though you would know she's actually really adorable.

Tani looked a bit dissatisfied after she left. She gave a disappointed sigh. I looked at her and maybe she finally thought I was worth the trouble to tell what was on her mind.

From what she said it pretty much sums up that. Azel is really into this boy. But that boy is one of the serious types who takes life very seriously. Something something happened and Azel confessed to him at the train station one day. But later she could not confirm if he actually took it seriously or not. She was in this loop of not knowing if he is bothered by her or actually oblivious to her affection and thus she has been in this loop of not knowing her target's thoughts that can radically change everything.(I feel you). But in the last few days, she understood that he actually forgot about it entirely and he has been pretty agreeable for a change these days. And recently they somehow managed to have lunch together without actually being "together" but it's a start.

I had many opinions on that whole shebang.

First, of, how can a man exist that is the target of Azel's affection? What sort of satanic ritual you must to do have that luck.
Secondly, what is this romantic comedy plot? Just tell him clearly and I'm pretty sure he will date you or whatever. If he doesn't he's not into girls.
Thirdly, I feel greatly offended. Not that I ever placed my self too high or anything. But to be felt so left out in such a curious sort of events truly hurt me in many ways.
I felt like the side character. The one who is only a foil to the main duo. While they blossom a story so profound and loving to be called other worldy I will there only as a fraction of its appeal.
Vexing isn't the end of it.

Tani had some complaints as well.

"How do you feel about it?"
"About what" I played the fool.
"The whole Azel and Cillian thing(the boy's name)"
"I don't know that much of any of them so I don't really care" I lied as easily as I breathed.
"Well, I hate it. Cillian is a fool who tries to play this cool serious act while being just a stubborn mule. He's pretty much repulsive. On top of that, he's as plain as it gets. Why would Azel even like that guy I don't understand? How even he has the balls to not instantly fall for her?! I'm a girl and even I am in love with her! (Nothing weird here. If you don't like her there's probably something wrong with you) I just don't get it"

"c'est la vie"

"I guess so"

We couldn't continue much reading after that. For some reason someone other problem troubled both of us greatly and we ended up dried up our energy.


8.

Maybe after a few days, I would've forgotten all about Azel and Cillian. But life wasn't so kind to this fourteen-year-old. It's just as Donald glover said. The magic of the young must be retained, the responsibility is shouldered by the old.

Sadly though that is all the old can do. As hard they try they can't hold the truth for long and I must plunge myself into the depths of the unknown, of truths I must be scared of, of lies I will hold on to dear and meaninglessness to cherish.

Something developed between Azel and Cillian's rom-com and suddenly they meet each other in the school field for lunch and they just.... talk.
Me and Tana having this weird idea of stalking them, actually started to stalk them. It's weird how ideas that seem brilliant sound like horse shit after a day passes.

For all the two days we watched from the bushes, they just talked. Talked about female and male stereotypes and character behaviors. It all sounds serious but they debated like a pre-schooler so it wasn't like that at all. I felt slightly guilty over listening to them over when they suddenly flirt without even knowing. In the end, I felt I was intruding on their precious conversation in a way.

From what I've heard Cillian seems to be more or less just like how Tana described him to be. However, he's just overly conscious and is extremely fearful of women. That's what I think anyway. Something about him strikes me quite sorry. I take back whatever ill will I have had with him.

Azel was..... so damn cute. She always brought bread of a different kinds. Her family has a baking shop or something. She liked the salted mint or something. Tana and I decided to check it out one day.


I have seen Azel occasionally. Only a few times worth mentioning. One time between classes. I was walking towards the bathroom to wash my face and Azel was peeking into a classroom that was not hers.

"Hey," I told her
"Ah! Hey, fingers" she slightly jumped.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing," she says clearly hiding something.
I peeked over to the classroom and saw Cillian fighting with some other girls.

"You're stalking him?"
"I swear I just wanted to listen in a bit! I was just passing by and got curious"

She then began to explain to me how she ended up in that situation. But she also accidentally mentioned somethings she shouldn't have. She was actually stalking the guy at school I could clearly see.

My god she's head over hills for him. Tana was right. This is patronizing.
I didn't involve myself any further. Seriously just get married already or something.

9.

"I wish I knew everything," I said to Tana breaking her attention.
"Hm? Sounds nice in the paper but it isn't actually that good."
"Why?"
"Why? I wouldn't be consciously putting effort into trying to understand everything. I sometimes feel so lost with this overwhelmingly long list of things I can't make any sense of. Also, I would nail every semester.
"Isn't that nice in a way? Being able to think?
"How so? To me, it feels like a waste of time. Don't overthink they say"
"They don't know anything. Overthinking is never bad as long as the thing your thinking about is good."
"But if I know then I wouldn't need to think or come up with an answer that is obviously wrong which I will only learn when it's too late."
"But if you already know what of it? What good comes of it then? Your actions from the answer you know will just be another thing you know. You wouldn't be a genius. You would just be a machine doing one thing to the next."
"Is it so bad? To be a robot? Aren’t we walking set of meat too smart to understand how stupid we are?"
"When did you become so pessimistic. I would much rather be that. If you knew everything life wouldn't be an experience. It would be a detail. And with this overwhelming set of details, there will be no room for interpretation. No abstractism and no thoughts. You couldn't live like that."
I mulled her words over. I can’t argue forward.
"How do you think like that?
“I just happen to”
“It's like you know everything”
"I just know what I know"
"And you know everything."

She gave me confused smile And continued on to read.


I held my conversation with Tana precious too. She for me was definitely the smartest person in the world. Her grades weren't all that good actually. She was more or less like me in academics. But she excels in understanding I believe. For our age, she holds this certain aura I never saw in anyone. In that sense, I respect her more than my parents or any elderly. Yet for all she knows. She acts out uncharacteristically so. It's like even if she knows and understands she cant act it out. It seems there is something to gain from age.


"Hey, you know our drama teacher?"
"Miss Rachel? Yes, why?"
"I've heard people seen a girl named Kim going into her house at night."
"The Asian kid from my class? I've seen her."
"What do you think?"
"Think of what?"
"Some say they have a thing"
"Whaaaat? Miss Rachel is an angel she wouldn't fall for a kid."
"I know right! But hypothetically if it was true. How would you feel?"
"Is that a trick question"
"Just answer don't you trust me?"
"Hey, I believe in you more than I believe in myself. It's just that I don't know. For someone her age to fall for Kim who thinks shes a witch is just too unrealistic for me"
"Kims a Wiccan?"
"Yep. All gothic and weird."
"Oh wow. And now she's meeting with Rachel at night? Hm. Maybe Miss Rachel is a Wiccan too and they both do rituals at night?
"That sounds more probable. Now that I think about it. Miss Rachel is definitely the kind of person who would believe in that stuff. She gives off that vibe."
"Agreed. I actually thought they were dating though. The amount of taboo that relationship would make it hot"
"Hahaha. Yeah, that's true. I don't know though. It's a bit too scandalous. Surprisingly I don't have any strong opinions about it"
"Your completely okay with it?"
"No. Not really. She's too young and a girl"
"Is it wrong for a girl to like a girl?"
"I don't have any qualms. It's just that I don't get it"
"I find it really interesting in a sense"
"How so?"
"Like... you know how they say. Love isn't real. It's just your hormones having an absurd chemical reaction that makes you feel things. Like it's just your body unconsciously telling you that he/she would be an amicable partner for having a baby. Cause our ape-man like instincts are just driven to have these reproduction fitness thoughts."
"Is that right"
"Heh. Well, it's just that if a girl and a girl likes each other. They have no instincts telling them that they are the perfect mating parter. There is no complicated biochemistry. It's just that, that probably the abstract concept like love actually does exist. That love isn't just a formula that can be explained you know."
"I never thought of it that way"
"Obviously there are serious gaps in my knowledge. Take everything with a grain of salt."
"Of course. It looks like even you don't know everything."
"Yeah."
"You just know what you know"

She looked and smiled at me confusingly again. And then she continued to read her book.


Of course, nothing of what she said could be taken for a fact. It's a much more complicated process she didn't know everything about. But the truth she reached is something that soothes her and hurts none. I somehow find it amicable and at the same time disagreeable. It's confusing. In the end, is it only a matter of perspective? If it is? What's worth of me?

It's weird, even though I think I like her. I never once thought of having a baby with her.

10.

Once I and a friend of mine cycled to the beach near our area. It wasn't any long beach or anything just a place with sand and water.

We went there in the afternoon. We being a good bunch usually went back before dusk. We drenched our feet in the cold water and watched the clean water with great intensity. For some reason, we couldn't get ourselves out of the water before the evening. When we couldn't see our feet in the clear blue water we finally went back home and were greeted with scolding.

However, we enjoyed our time so much we said we will cycle there every weekend and stay as long as we want.
However, even though my mind was still fresh with the memories of the cold water feeling my feet I coudnt will myself to ride my way there.

I was simply lazy. My friend was greatly hurt by my actions. A broken oath he said. I who didn't think much of it at the time am seeing a pattern now. I feel as if I have a terrible commitment issue.

I walked towards the path of slight enjoyment disregarding the long road ahead. It's a bad habit to be sure. But something about it, in me specifically, makes it unbearably threatening.

Ever since eavesdropping on Azel, she has been on my mind. I always look back at how cute she is holding that one loaf of bread. Seemingly boasting how her family bread was better than any other in every way.

Her cold tiring gaze that she has always unconsciously that slowly turns into a seemingly brightening smile without even her knowing, my mind can't get that image out of my head.

But why? Wasn't I seemingly in love with Tana? Weren't I losing my mind over just a few months ago?

Was my love all that meaningless? A simple attraction? Nothing but the workings of our being?

I am not so romantic. I do not believe in the concept of one true love. You could love many in one life or many at the same time. I am in my opinion at least a modern man. However, the feeling I had, also has great meaning to me. As absurd or weird as they are, they are mine. So when my very being was suddenly devoted to one, I had thought at least for now I was surely in love. Maybe just maybe my adolescent heart stopped being such a hardass with its layers of indecisiveness and accepted that one girl as its benefactor.

As much as I know it is nothing but my inexperience as a young boy who not knowing better thought "this is the world" while only really experiencing the yard.

Yet this simple feeling. It oppressed me to no end. So when that illusion was effortlessly broken by someone who was always there just out of reach, it also broke me.

Azel for the few times I've seen her was obviously a flower on top of a hill. Never to be touched only to be admired. But when our relationship suddenly grew closer as "friend of a friend" the hill seemed like a good hiking spot.

The grapes suddenly became sweet. Yet the thought itself disgusted me. I hated my own shallowness. If this is thinking too highly of myself then let it be. I believe in my own self-worth just a bit. But now, who knows? Am I just another animal driven by instincts? It seemed like I ask myself that question too frequently these days.

Sometimes I wish I never know.



11.


One curious day Cillian was at the library. He was glancing at the books from the shelves, picking one, looking inside, putting it back, and repeat.

For the ten minutes he did it seems Tana has already lost her patience and went to him to give him a piece of her mind. You go girl.

Both of us are very uncomfortable with the fact that Azel was looking inside from the door of the library. Glancing a bit then going back in hiding. She must be really good for not being noticed yet by anyone except us.

I got up to put back the book I had. Obviously with the ulterior motive in mind of listening in on Cillian.

By the time I went there it seems a decent amount of conversation had already been passed. From what I could gather from their following conversation, it's just that Tana had enough of Cillian's indecision about everything.

"You wouldn't get it." Is what he kept saying basically.
But as I listened more intently I seemed to 'get' him.

"I'm trying my best what do you want from me?" Cillian tried his best to sound angry through his whispers.
"Could you stop that?"
"You're being so overdramatic!"
"I'm not the one barging in other people's business!"
"It damn straight is my business. Look I'm sorry but could you just tell me why? Shes second-guessing herself because of you"

I caught on to what Tana meant by that. Cillian hasn't been very forward in the relationship. Azel has been pretty self-conscious about it. Tana has been losing her mind over it. While I have to say. It does seem Tana is walking into something that doesn't necessarily concern her. Her concern feels so genuine it doesn't matter if it matters or not. To me at least.

"I just need to make sure of something."
"What?"
"I don't know how to say it"
"Try putting it into words."

I feel like I walked into the middle of a therapy session.

Cillian took a deep breath and started to explain.

"I need to understand something. Something I feel everyone knows but me. It feels like everyone has it figured out. Like they understand "it" but I am here grasping at straws."

"I don't get it"

"I don't expect you to. I feel so terribly wrong that I don't think about it. But I feel now is the time. Can you just be a bit patient? There's a right time for everything."
"If you wait to lo-"
"Then it was just wasn't to be. I know how I sound right now but it's the truth. And yet, I understand what your saying all too well. I wait for the right time for everything. I used to like one music player at my cousin's house. I always wanted one for myself. I wanted to cry to my mum that I wanted one. But for some reason, I thought better of it. Not yet. I needed an excuse. I don't know why but I did. And by the time I had an excuse I all but forgot about it. I still remember just how much I wanted that. But I feel like I wouldn't be happy with it now. I shouldn't leave everything as is. But.... what can I do? If I just get what I want I will probably never be able to grasp its true worth. I should have when I'm truly capable of it. You ever get this feeling?".

I somewhat get what Cillian was trying to say. The opportunities are just dangling in front of us but we don't take them. We need retries not one but one hundred until we face ourselves and finally understand. I felt somewhat akin to Cillian at that moment. I tried to think up something to say to him.

"Look Cillian. I don't know much man. But everything pretty much sucks. We're dying bit by bit everyday anyway. What's wrong with killing yourself just a bit more?"

Strangely the voice was not mine nor Tanas. It was from another boy who was standing there. He was very tall. Like a basketball player tall and had a plain face. I hadn't noticed him at all.

And yet through his own way, he said what I wanted to say maybe much better than I would've. It's not that he seemed all that smart. It just felt like he truly believed it.

The next day Tana explained everything to me in more detail.

She told me she had talked with a tall basketball player guy. Who was actually a good friend of Cillian? Cillian was an only child. His mother had five sisters including her. All four being very young the youngest being just a couple of years older than Cillian himself. From the basketball player's description, it seems like all four of Cillians aunts are a paragon of femme fatale(So this is where Cillian gets his good genes?). Tana suggests Cillian's fear of getting to any meaningful relationship with a woman comes from a fear that originated from her aunts.

It wasn't like he was abused by his aunts or something. They all quite adored him. But the usual plot that follows by being an attractive woman, hundreds of lovers trying to find a place while no one ever getting an edge.
Seeing his aunts throwing of lovers left and right, playing with the heartstrings of young men, borderline just for amusement (All of them were so attractive?!) somehow or the other got through young Cillian.

For them, it was just testing the waters but for young Cillian, it was probably akin to taking a red pill. He got a glimpse of the various faces of we how we treat each other before he could cultivate his own.

It was a rather hilarious prospect. Enough to make a decent rom-com out of but it was also quite traumatizing. Even he himself knows it by now the lingering sensation never really goes away. Things out of our power affect us in more ways than one.
Something as simple as having hot aunts is now the reason for a boy's inability to get into a serious relationship.
The possibilities are truly endless.
It's just that, that's never really a good thing.



12.

I thought long and hard about my childhood. Trying to find memories that may turn out to be reasons for my current behaviors. Not only the bad stuff mind you. I was just trying to rationalize my likes dislikes antics and preferences to anything that happened to me in my childhood.
I however could not find any. I asked Tana if she had anything. She also couldn't come up with anything. Is this something that only happens to the main characters?

Talking about the main characters. Cillian and Azel have made dramatic progress in their relationship recently. They are in fact going on a date.
Of course, it wasn't officially a date and both of them invited their friends. I also happened to be invited. I was in fact really excited. I was really happy in seeing Cillian finally getting serious about everything and Azel gushing over it. Their love really purifies the soul. It's by seeing them I found out about the true meaning of the expression. It's really sweet enough for me to look away at times.

I was also looking forward to seeing Tana out of the school. We have been friends for almost a year now but we have really never interested outside school. Tina in casual cloth is now a mystery just waiting to be solved.

"So we are going to the place right?"
"Yes. It's a bit far from my house so I have to get ready early."
"Well, it's even further from mine. I'll come to pick you up and then we can head for the station"
'Yah sure thing"

I will say that was quite smooth for me. Though I wasn't really going out of my way so she must have not looked at it any way special.
Maybe I shouldn't try this hard and just enjoy my time but I can't stop hoping for the best.

The day of the date went along as you expect it to go. I got ready and extra ready for it. I went out as early as possible and straight to Tana's door. I was obviously excited.

When Tana opened the door I was welcomed with the scene of her not wearing the school uniform.

Ah, the small joys of living.

We then quickly hoped on the next train heading to the meetup place. It was a huge shopping complex that was having a fest.

We spoke very little on our way there. I really could not think of anything nor did I felt it necessary to say anything. Just watching her was quite pleasing for the mind. I wonder if I am being weird.

"I'm not really used to this you know. Going out with friends I mean" she said.
I realized I wasn’t used to her not whispering.
"Oh, why?" A bit later I realized it was a stupid thing to ask.
"The only real good friend I have really is Azel. We go out sometimes but thats it. Going out with a whole group is something I haven't really done"
"Hm. Well, it's pretty easy. Actually, I would say it's easier than handling a single person."
"Why is that?"
"Well, you see when there is a lot of people there is also a lack of individuality. You're more of a collective entity so the self-consciousness just doesn't chime in. Of course, that's not true when it's meeting new people. But your more or less acquainted with everyone. So the mob mentality does the work"
"It's that you can say that. It's not the same for me. It just overwhelms me. It feels like I'm not even there or I shouldn't be"
"Damn. I never felt like that. Well, I will be and so will Azel. You'll be fine."
Cillian and his friends from class me Tana and Azel were the people I knew were going. Anyone can really invite anyone else so that's another matter.

When we reached there it was already evening. We were looking around for the rest of the group. Along the way, we found Azel who was again really excentric for the occasion. God, she's adorable. We bought some bubble tea and sat on a bench waiting. Sitting there, sipping bubble tea in the middle of two girls one which I liked and another who was outstandingly beautiful really put me on edge. I coudnt calm down. In the end, other people really take a lot of me too. However in this case it doesn't feel all that bad for obvious reasons.

Some moments later lo and behold Cillian and his friends found us. It was Cillian two guys one of which was the basketball tall guy(I think his name was coke) and three girls. I have met those girls before. They seemed to be always together. They were in Cillans class.

We talked over the attractions, things we think are worth our time, and things that maybe are not. Azel and Cillian were getting chummy or making the effort to. The whole group strategically cut them out and both of them went on ahead. Mission success all of us ringed in our heads.

I looked around, the area is lit with multi-colored lighting but the overall hue had this light night blue to it. In this strange hue, I saw Tana looking, with eyes I haven't seen before. It was a strange look and yet so obviously simple.
However, she wasn't looking at me with it. She was looking at coke. She was looking at his laughing face as he joked with the group.

For a split second, I had this incomparable clarity. As if I understood everything. As if everything was so simple I need just address it. The words and thoughts came as naturally as the cool breeze I was feeling.

"You like coke?"
"W-wheres that coming?" She replied flustered and taken aback by my sudden disposition.
"Your easier to read than Borges at least. I never heard you had the hots for him"
"You can tell! Ah well it's just we talked a lot in the last few days and well he seems all nice an-"
Slowly a huge grin came on my face and I tried to hide my laughter.
"What are you laughing for?"
"Ohho. Its nothing. Your just adorable."
"That's not nice you know!" She said not really understanding me.

I put out my arms and held her shoulders.
"Go get em"
"Eh, what do you mean? Seriously drop it"
"Come on. It's the perfect opportunity. You have to pull him out of the group now. You'll miss your chance if you wait. Just ask straight out"
"I can't do that"
I held my grip tighter on her shoulder. I'm no expert in persuasion. But for some reason, I think this gesture works. Of course, I don't have any backings for that claim. I just feel it has a sense of reassurance.

"It's now or never. Your not really the type to dwell on are you? You go on a straight line remember? I think you have a good chance. Trust me."

She was still fazed by my sudden disposition. But maybe it was sincereness with which I told her so she took it earnestly. She took a deep breath and started to walk towards coke. Halfway there she turned around and gave me a thumbs up and I gave one in return.

Soon we started to move around the fest. Coke and Tana were chatting up but I could not eavesdrop on them after a while they went off alone.

Mission accomplished. Somehow I knew it was going to work out.

We walked on now the five of was. There was this shop with lots of trinkets and the girls started to look over them.
Slowly standing there, in the bluish hue the realization kicked in. The one that I trying my hardest not to think about

Hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I let out a silent grown only to be heard by me.

I really did put myself too high. How could I have so lofty thoughts about myself? I wasn't even the main subplot. I wasn't the side character to foil the side characters, much less the protagonist. I was just an insignificant bystander who found himself on a stage that didn't need or want him.

I felt miserable. I felt so bad I was about to cry. I look away. I look away from everything. The flickering lights the blue-hued that surrounds us. I stared at nothing. I try not to think about it. How bad it feels. But it feels so bad that it strikes back.

I can't look at anyone. I can't look at the people that is surrounding me. I feel like anyone will be able to tell. They will ask me if it's alright. And I will burst out in tears and run away.

I need to avoid that. I will avoid that at all costs. I buy a bottle of water. I drink it all in one go. The girls bought some trinkets. We continued to move forward looking around. I start to take everything in. I fill my brain with everything else but me. I can't stand myself right now.

I feel awful. It feels like the people around me, the noise, the chatter, the food everything was sucking the air, I was suffocating. The little amount of air that I was managed to breathe was foul, it was polluted.
Everything moved without me, I saw one cup of ice coffee in front of me. I semi-consciously took it and gave it a small slurp. Tasteless, only cold water and creamy substance. My body refused it with all its will, my stomach stirring, I felt I was about to hurl.

Then, I was snapped back to reality.

“Hey you look sick, you okay?”

I looked in front of me. I realized where was what and who was where. Two girls in front of me, Cillian's friends. There was supposed to be three?

“Abbie left with Shaun?” the other girl asked.
“Yeah seems so. We were abandoned.” the girl answered. For the life of me, I can’t remember their names.
“Damn dates. Hey, listen fingers! Don’t you run off too. You escorting us today.” the small girl told me. I don’t ever remember telling them my not so favorite nickname.
“Don’t call me that.”
“I don’t remember your real name though”

Of course, you don’t, it's not important, never was.

“He’s looking out of it though. Are you feeling alright?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“If you say so.”
“He looks fine to me.”
“Didn’t like your coffee?”
“Hey we should check out this escape room first”
“Cool. I’ve never been to one. I don’t know what to expect”
“Me neither”

I coudn’t hear their words anymore. The noise was blanking out. Only the slurping of the coffee. I didn’t finish it in the end. I stood up. The blood was catching to the brain. I stood there for a while. The girls started to walk hand in hand.

Damn it. What was wrong with me? I want to go home. Soon. But I can’t but feel I will disappoint both of them if I just left now. I was so far away from home too. The long train ride back home alone is going to be so awful. Just imaging it is haunting. I felt truly stuck. No one way was better than the other. Seriously what is this feeling? I can’t stand this.

“Hey, fingers got cash on you?” One of the girls said. She was really short, you could mistake her for a middle schooler.
“Why?” I replied, suddenly thrust back to reality again.
“After the escape room, we have to try out the pastry there. You're our escort so your paying”

I failed to see why I had to pay but I coudn’t argue. It really wasn’t any place to argue. Social traps or something like that. Fell right for it. Fell in like a god damn fool.

We finally found the escape room after going around circles for half an hour. I could breathe a bit easier now. The strange helplessness is slowly fading away. The next morning I wake up I will feel so stupid about tonight. That's what I kept telling myself. I feel like it's the truth, or maybe a sophisticated coping mechanism. Whatever the case, the strange pain I feel somewhere hidden in my body is quite real.

The escape room line was long. Five minutes of standing and it didn’t move an inch. The small girl (still couldn't remember her name) was quite the whiner. I can’t but feel my staying silent is making her more irritated. So I kept agreeing with her complaints. I of course had no idea what she was talking about I simply kept nodding, unable to comprehend the syllables.

Her phone rang and she answered. After the call, she said she had to leave. She left without any explanation, not that I asked her for one. I and the other girl stood in the line for ten more minutes, only to see the line not moving at any significant pace.

The girl yawned a long one.

“Hey, do you really want to go into the escape room? I don’t want to wait any longer.”
“No. I feel the same.”

We both left the line. The place we were standing was a floor or two higher than the ground. She walked to the railing. She put her elbows on the railing leaning on it. I stood next to her.

I kept thinking about how the whole trip was a waste of time money and effort. How the great night I had planned in my head had turned inside out into the worst night of my life. I could not find any good in it. I tried to find the silver lining. Was this experience really going to make me stronger? A better person? I felt like today will haunt me. Like a painful memory. I won’t be able to expect anything good in my life again. I will keep thinking about tonight. Everything I will take with a grain of salt. Everything will be coated in pessimism. I'm better off cloaking this memory. Hiding it forever.

While thinking over. I look down. So many people, so many lights, the blue hue looks lighter from here. It looks fake, unreal. I don’t know how long I stared.

“HEY, WHY ARE YOU GUYS OUT OF LINE!” the small girl screams at us. I thought you were gone you pipsqueak
“We decided it wasn’t worth the wait,” I tell her.
“Seriously after waiting so long? You guys coudn’t wait a bit longer?”
“I don’t see why your so angry.”
“Of course I am. Now we have to go all the way behind the line. Like what would you miss for standing in the line for like five more minutes?”
“Well, how the fuck we were supposed to know you were going to come back? I seriously can’t see how you're angry with us?” I lost my temper and burst at her.

We fought over this for the next few minutes. Me unable to understand her anger and her inability to accept the loss. Apparently, she was called back home for some reason but that again changed so she headed back. But we left the line and now we have to go all the way back again.

She got too angry and left again. This time on her own. I expected her friend to go with her but she's still standing there. A bit unfazed, I’m amazed and angry. She didn’t say a word the whole time.

“Don’t hold a grudge with her, please? She’s a bit like that. Throwing tantrums and stuff. But she's usually fun to be around.” She tells me apologetically.

My anger slowly dissipated. I can’t stay angry for too long. I understood her though. I have friends like that too. So I guess I shouldn't complain too much. Not that that's going to change anything.

If my complaining would've held any meaning maybe, no. Stop it. Stop being so pathetic. God, it hurts so much though. My anger mixes with my sadness. It’s an awful mixture of blueish cocktail. Woudn’t recommend it to anybody.

When I look back, she's back leaning at the railing. Maybe she's liking the view?

It’s the first time in the night I notice her. She’s really tall. Just a bit smaller than me. She’s wearing a blue polka-dotted one-piece with a cardigan on top. For shoes, she has a black knee-high boot. Her hair is straight and long. The heaviest thing on her to me is the long round earrings hanging on her ears.

The fighting somehow calmed me down. Since my blood is now slowly returning from my brain I’m naturally calm. A bit tired to think about anything else too suddenly. Actually, I feel a lot tired now. I tired myself out of being miserable.
I found my silver lining in this horrible night.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” I tell her.
“Oh? So soon?” “ You know what let's go. I’m not feeling it either”

I don’t know what that meant but I get it. We discussed and then we had to board the same train anyway so we head out together.

13.

The night suddenly was chilly. It was getting colder by the second. The station was empty enough to be spooky. A few people here and there. Most of them asleep on the benches. The girl(remembered her name it was Kylie like Kylie Janner how could I forgot that) was on her phone the whole time. I would've been scared alone actually so I’m glad she came along.

The train arrived and we hopped on. It was practically empty except for the homeless(?) man sleeping on one side. We sat on the other side on the same bench. The train started as naturally as possible.

I started to think about how awful tonight was again. Somehow I’m not even surprised. I waited too long and expected her to too. It was my fault for not realizing that she could whenever like a guy. I try to not go in over my head but I somehow manage to anyway.

I found the irony in it though. Back in that day, Coke gave sound advice to Cillian about how it's not wise to waste time on an opportunity. At the time I also mused how right he was and how Cillian should follow it.

However, I completely failed to realize the same should be said about me. Of course, I had no idea if Tana would've dated me, but now I will never know and that's something I’m going to regret for a long time.

I’m so busy thinking about myself I never get to think about myself. Only thinking never acting on it let alone improving. Where have I seen his before? What's that matter? I failed to realize it at the time and I will probably again.

“Woah. You okay?” She asked something unnecessary again.
“No.”
“What happened?”
“Your friend yelled at me for no reason”
“You still hung up on that?”
“No. Not really.”
“I don’t get you.”
“Me neither.”

She closed the distance between us and then put her head on my shoulder. Giving a big yawn. Seeing her yawn made me yawn too. Now I’m sleepy.

“I’m gonna take a nap,” she says.
“I feel sleepy too though.”
“Well I said it first”

She then closed her eyes. The train was not very silent, it was in fact quite loud. Even though that, I could hear her soft calm breath. It’s so calm it calmed me down too. I rested my head on her head. I got a thin sleep out of it.

The next stop woke both of us up. We both go down on the stop after this one. While a bit irritated being woken up was still better than missing our next stop. I could totally see that happening to worsen my night though.

I kept imagining how things could go even more south. If I imagined all the possibilities then it won't happen to me. Everything, especially bad things happen unexpectedly. I’m jinxing it to my own advantage basically.

Kylie took out her phone. She held it out with her right hand, trying to take a selfie. I posed accordingly and she took one. She started to browse over filters.

“No good. You look like a ghost”
“That sounds about right.”
“Try smiling better this time”

She held out her hand again. This time with a sunglass filter on. Then she started to browse over filters again.

“Nope still look like a zombie”
“It would've been strange if it looked like anything else.”
“Huh. Is that right? Did something good happen?” I didn’t understand her.
“Not to me”
“Heh. That's how it goes”
“Someone else is happy in turn for my misery?”
“Yep. I bet someone else is having a hella good night”
“Hm. That makes me feel a bit better. Thanks.”
“Your welcome.”

By the time I reached home, it was very late. I opened the door and saw a face of disapproval on my mother's face. Of course, I told her that I was going to be late. But she was still holding some sort of resentment inside.
Maybe this was the first step that shaken her parental power over me. Naturally, she saw this as a threat. However, she was still nice enough to actually let me go.

She told me something crude now though.

Unable to handle my bottled up feelings any longer, I ran to my room, desperately holding on to the tears that might fall.



15.


It was after school one day. Everyone had already left. It was raining no, more like a drizzle, If I had to put it, it was right in the middle of those words. I did not have an umbrella. So I decided to wait it out.
Of course, I don't always do this I wouldve just asked a friend and walk with them under their umbrella.

But today I didn't do that. I looked at the drizzling world outside the window and decided to stay.

All the windows of the room were shut tight. Still, you could clearly hear the rain. It was strong but pleasant. Very pleasent.

You don't see this world every day. A world that smelled stainless steel and looked like a melancholic watercolor.
The gray ashen world looked so pleasant and the few colors here and there poped.

The slight chilliness that came with the weather was perfect. It was late Autumn so it was already cool but this extra chill felt perfect. A bit less or more would've been detrimental. So this is perfect.

I soon realized why I decided to stay. This ashen blue world behind this glass was the perfect world for me. This is my perfect world. There is nothing unfamiliar here. Only the familiar object's in a different light, in a different mood.

This will be gone at any moment or any time. So I decided to stay. I shall take it all in as much as possible.

The raindrops slowly slipping down the windows catches me out. I see the long raindrops in detail. The sound they make, the feeling they induce.

I see the small clean puddles in the cool asphalt creating a reflection of the red postbox and the white vending machine.

I see the black umbrella hiding the maiden in all black of the missionary school a few blocks away. Her long strong stride through the puddled asphalt creates waves upon waves of intrinsic art.

I see the electric polls soaking, dripping small drops of water, unable to keep up with the clouds above. I love the transparency of everything. It calms my heart it does.

In this absurd world uncaring towards an individual, this scene was made for me.
Or perhaps I was made for this scene?

I put my hand on the window glass. Looking closer into the window, I see my reflection.
Suddenly the me in the material form enters my world. Me in the windows is strange. It looks better than I am.

We humans, while looking at reflections, sub consciously highlight the best of our features. We try to look at the best of us in the mirror. But that is not the truth outside.

The person in the mirror is a fad. I quickly back out, not to tarnish my world any further.


I look inside the classroom the usual hustle-bustle is absent. The cool hue radiates the blackboard into a lump of beautiful coal, and I look at it at the level of concentration I never did before.


I held my head back and closed my eyes.
I soak in the sound of the rain.

Silently.

An old memory came with the empty classroom. It was from preschool.
In my preschool sit was fixed and I sat with this black girl. One day the girl said she wished she had blue eyes. I started to imagine her with blue eyes. Everything the same. Only her eyes were now blue.

At the time I didn’t think of it at much. I didn’t consider the bleak aphorism of the life of a young black girl faced to consider such fantasies. I didn’t consider my next words while innocent in intensions would only throw her more of the edge towards more degrading escapism. I could only hope she’s perfectly fine with who she is now.

All I said was, yes, you would look beautiful. Because genuinely at the time I thought it would look really beautiful.

I had an epiphany. It was sudden. It seemed out of nowhere. But for some reason, I think this moment was built up from the first page.

I run out of the classroom. I head in the direction of the library.

She might be still there.

And she was in the first sit on the first desk. The library girl with overwhelming concentration. I don't remember the day I first saw her. It's because the image never changes. The thing about beauty is that it never fades away.

I can't describe my feelings about the library girl much less express them. I know nothing. I think it's simple really. Like the rain today, or like Beethovens 5th Symphony or like going to the beach with a friend.
I really don’t know anything. But if there was one thing I knew, it would be this. What she gave me was an utter enjoyment in existence.
This girl sitting in the library, with unparalleled concentration, reading a science fiction novel I did not understand, was really the most beautiful thing in the world