Doll maker

When I got to the building it was almost evening. Truth be told not exactly the time I wanted to be here. An unannounced invitation is bad enough already but at this hour? It would only leave a bad impression. Knowing all this to be quite true I still found myself looking around the place, I still fully intend to go through with my intentions.
The reasoning was quite delicate and I could not explain it even if I try. To put it simply I believed if I leave now I would never find this place again. Even after recognizing every sign from here to Gala station, I would get lost. Even if I come back tomorrow in broad daylight the rusted building in front of me would illude me. And it would continue to do so for the rest of my life. I simply could not take that risk. Intuition, instinct, precognition whatever word you use to explain this will end up with the same result.
I simply had a bad feeling.

The apartment had six floors or at least would've had six floors. The first three floors are completed with paint and all while the rest are still being constructed and by the looks of it doesn’t look it’s going to be done any time soon, if ever.
I check around the ground floor to find a garage that seems to betray the rest of the building by the sheer size of the door. Obviously custom. The more I look around the building confuses me even more though everything seems to be fine. Yet I cannot shake this uneasiness.

Maybe I should just leave. Considering the thought I felt a tiny speck of water on my head. Slowly the amount of wanted increased and I realized it was raining. I quickly got into the building. Ever since that day, I could not stand in the rain without making me feel inside out.

Trying to suppress the sound of the raindrops with my hands on my ear I looked around, again to my bafflement I realized I have no clue how I got in.
I could not see a door from which I could have entered.

I guess I am tired from running around half the city but even so, this is quite clumsy. or could this be the rain getting to me?
Whatever the cause maybe I did not dwell on it and found some metal stairs which I believed lead me to the second floor.

The structure of this building is wrong in more ways than one and I envy the engineer who got money out of this abomination and feels condolence for the people who had to make it. I started to understand why it was left incomplete.
Little did I know at the time it wasn’t even the worst building design I would encounter in my life.

X

The second floor was completely empty. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Only white bleach covered the walls and floors. It was as if someone cleared the slate clean. Someone had pressed the reset button.

On the third floor was the door. On the door was a small sign calling it, “Hollow Shrine”. Quite a tacky name that I found myself fond of.

I opened the door and entered to only see a mess. On my right were a pile of paper and junk of every kind that I could not find an end if I start counting.
Right in front in the middle of the room was a long black sofa. In front of the sofa was 12 TV screens jumbled up altogether. Side by side, on top of another all the TV were connected with wires that stretched and interjected beyond comprehension. 8 of the TV were just jittering. Four of them actually worked.
The one right next to the middle, the two right above the middle, and one in the far left corner. Four different channels were running simultaneously. One of them was running a news channel while the other three had geography channels and sports.
Later in my life, I would come to know our brains work much like channels. But that is a story of another day. Besides, only people illiterate in technology would make such an argument in the first place.

The end of the room had bookshelf and lockers of different sizes with even different things inside. In the middle right end of the room just before the window was a desk. Filled with huge stacks of paper on both sides.
From where I stand, due to the stacks of paper, I only see a feminine arm holding a cigarette. Hearing the door opening the owner of the arm cocked her head a bit forward so that she could see me. Seeing me she made an expression of slight disbelief. It isn’t even hard to catch. She really is caught off guard and looked at me with surprised eyes for a few moments.

“I uh, am looking for Aozaki Touko,” I said facing her.
“Your speaking to her,” she replied looking at me with her sharp gaze.
Now I was caught off guard. I guess you could never tell with the artist types. An hour ago if you asked me how this Aozaki Touko person looked like I would just shake my head. Her puppet displays are a technical masterpiece and an artistic ingenuity that is hard to replicate(In my opinion anyway) but I could not tell you what they represent of the artist herself.

I bowed my head slightly and came a bit forward.

“Miss Aozaki it’s my pleasure to have a chance to meet you.”

She still on guard nodes her head. It was another few moments until I realized she had no intention to tell me to take a seat or something. While I felt that it was kind of rude I also just realized I myself had already conducted the worst of worst in terms of proper decorum.

I didn’t knock before coming in.

I straight up waltz in without even thinking of ringing the bell(though she didn't have one) much less knocking. So I, this uninvited person with not so clear agenda had entered a person room who I desperately need to be on the good side of. I might as well give up now and head back cause in any normal circumstances I will not be getting what I came here for. I wanted to say something like, “The door was open so…” but we are way past that so I did not bother. I walked straight in, gave her a nod, and sat on the chair opposite to her. The light that was coming from the small dual led lights hanging right above us illuminated the area right under perfectly. The light wasn't too bright or too dark it was just right. Touko placed it with the exact intention and I later understood how and why everything in this room was. No surprise since she also did construction based work and had a good knack for such things. So even if with an untrained eye it seems like a mess with a closer inspection everything becomes clear. That's true for me anyway, later in time that is the opinion that Touko has for me. Though I am criticized for consciously ignoring what's right in front of my eyes.

“I was at Nezu last Saturday and your piece ‘The blood of the poet’ really shook me Miss Aozaki. After finding out you were in town I just had to meet you.”

Clear cut and straight to the point. Since I am being very forward (though not consciously) till now let's just go with it.

At some point, she wore her glasses and the sharp eyes that were judging me were no more. Her structure felt soft and very welcoming. She smiled at my compliment and nodded in return.

“How did you find me?”

An explanation was in order, before forming my answer I gave her a card. It was her business card. She took it and gave a look on both sides.

“But this doesn’t have an address,” she said. It was true Miss Aozaki here had a business card that did not have an address, only a number. In truth, this one thing got me really curious and what actually triggered this wild goose chase.

“Yes, I had to look around. But that card is what got me here.”
“You're telling me you found me from this card that doesn't even have my address.” She said in a tone of disbelief. While I believe it really was a lot of work to the point I had to find the manufacturer of the card but I would say it was possible.
“Why didn’t you just call?” She asked a very obvious question.
“You see I don’t have any money” I gave an obvious answer.
“….” Her awkward look prompted me to elaborate.
“You see Miss Aozaki that's why I am here for. I’m actually looking for work. After I dropped out of college my parents cut me off. I don’t have a penny on me. I went to the exhibition with my friend's money that's the truth. I would love to work for you. I searched for you for a week just out of admiration for your work”
While non of what I said was a lie, I feel like I sounded too desperate (and I actually was), and mixing that up with genuine praise will only prose a false sense of humility. If I don’t get anything here I would really have to do part-time or something.

She looked at me again with question in her eyes and in fear of her answer I looked in my bag and handed her a C.V. Without a college degree it's pretty much useless everywhere but I didn’t know what else to do.

She took the C.V. and looked at it carefully and then she looked at me for a few seconds and again back at the C.V.

Suddenly she burst out in laughter. She laughed and laughed and I am sure she had tears in the corner of her eyes. I really wanted to die there on the spot. This humiliation isn’t worth it. Someone end me right now, please.
Luckily I didn’t die there. Later I would know she laughed because she thought I was a spy or something from the clock tower. Which was why she was so on guard.

In an effort to clear the tears from the corner of her eyes she took off her glasses and the continuous laughter became a cackle enough to scare me.
However, she soon stopped and looked at me again with her sharp eyes but this time it wasn’t breaking me apart to every nook and crany.

“Excuse me, I was just wasn’t expecting people.” She took a deep breath and looked at my C.V again. She asked jokingly,
“Were your parent’s fan of the french or something Mr.Koktou?”
“Heh. Only one other person ever made the same remark”
“Is that right? Alright, Koktou why do you think I have work? Shouldn’t you just go do part-time at a restaurant like every other drop out?”
“I didn’t know. I took a gamble I guess.”
“You sure don’t look like someone who takes risks. But you seem smart why did you intentionally drop out?”
I wish more people actually notice that.
“I do plan to get my college degree. I’m just waiting for someone.”

She thought over my reply a little and put out her smoke.

“You're pretty stubborn aren’t you Koktou.” While I don’t harbor the same sentiment I can see why people would think that.
“I try to put my best when I put my mind into it,” I replied.
“Hm. You see Koktou, frankly speaking, people aren’t supposed to find this place. Normal people like you I mean.”

Is that her way of saying I’m special? Nope, when did I start to think so highly of myself? She smiled and put on another cigarette and continued,

“Do you believe in the occult Koktou?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“Say want you to want to say.”
I thought it over. Miss Aozaki here seems to have an open mind, so I replied nodding my head.
“I do.”
“Can you explain the occult Koktou?”
This one’s hard. How do you even explain the occult? Isn't the whole point is that they are unexplainable?
“I believe.. we as human beings are like television. No, our head just works like one. Like I imagine channel 8. It has normal broadcasts, just the news to some national sports. Our head likes to be on that channel. The normal one. But if you look hard enough, there are people who would watch channel 14. A mess of taboo and the weird. While normal people's brain always tries to stay on channel 8. For some people, for various circumstances, accident or the genetic lottery switches to channel 14.”

What the hell was that. I’m starting to feel the need for that college degree.
Touko with a grin on her face nodes in satisfaction.
“Good good. That’s one way to explain it. But Koktou, wouldn't that mean every weird person is occult?”
“I guess so but I believe it's about the amount? Like someone who is on channel 14 for all his life would consider everyone else occult no?”
“If he shuts himself from the world only then. If not he will find out that he’s the odd one out. If he’s weak, he will hang himself, if he’s willed. he will seek out people like him”
“Humans are social creatures after all.” I hope I sounded smart there.
“ I find you quite strange Koktou.”
“Believing in the occult is more of a hobby then an obsession I promise.”
“Yet you sought out a business without an address. Like the ‘Honnoji castle’ appearing to those who would only seek it.”
“I really don’t want to work in a restaurant”
“Haha. Is that right”
She put out her smoke again and leaned forward putting her both hands on the desk.
“Koktou normal people aren’t supposed to find this place. I used a magical barrier that prevents normal people from finding it. Normal business is conducted from this telephone. Other businesses are handled face to face and most of the time I visit the employer. For the last two months, no one has walked through that door other than me.”
“You do business other than commissioning dolls?”
Touko grinned.
“Asked the right question. Good lad.”
It seems her time in England still left a mark on her. She continued,
“Even though all that you found out this address from a card. That's impressive. Your information gathering skills are something to be acknowledged. I can’t tell if its some kind of natural skill or just pure stubbornness but if you put your mind into it you can find things and just look at this place, I can’t find half my stuff here.”
That is true. Touko is a hoarder to the bone. It was more than often where Touko bought some Ouji board or something and didn’t have on hand cash to give me my monthly wage.
“So I have the job?”
“That's the question now, isn't it. I don’t have any vacant post to give you. But since you’re obviously so inclined I just felt like I need an assistant around here.”
“That's very kind of you. Thank you.” Touko looked a bit disappointed with my response. She took a breath and put some papers in place. Then looked at me.
“I think I have a coffee maker around here. I like it with sugar.”
Wait I start right now? Well, I guess I can’t really say no. I stood up and looked at the hell from where I must scavenge a coffee maker. I put my jacket on the hanger next to the sofa.
“If its good I'll give you a treat ok?”
If that's some extra cash, its enough motivation for anything.

X

I coudn’t determine how much she liked the coffee. She slowly sipped through it as I stood there. She gestured me to sit down. She slowly slipped through her glass saying nothing. I think its kind of a test. If you can’t share moments of silence then it simply means both of you are not comfortable with each other. The moments passed without any negative propositions. Touko finished her cup and stood up.
“Follow me Koktou.” saying that she walks towards the door opposite to the exit.
This is the first time I took a good look at her. A bit over average height, she wears a white shirt and black pants, she seems to be always casual in her clothing in her office. She currently has orange-colored earings on both of her ears. She always seems to be wearing something orange I never knew why. The only thing that really is striking about her other than her personality is her matt red hair. I’m not a huge fan of these but her red hair really really suits her for some reason and I cannot imagine her otherwise. She usually keeps a ponytail like she’s wearing one right now.

I followed her into the room and I was a bit terrified. The red hue from the room looked straight out of a slasher movie. But I soon realized it was her workshop.
“The coffee was good. So here you go.”
“Thank you Miss Aozaki.”
“Touko is fine.”
I nodded with a smile. I started looking around. It was strangely a very spacious place. A very long iron table right in the middle of the room with one chair. Around the room are pieces of dolls all around. I was a bit disappointed as non the dolls that seemed to individual projects were even half-finished so they just felt like scrap. However at the end of the room right in the corner was a doll that I still believe to be her greatest creation.
If you look at from afar the doll would look like a prop straight out of some Japanese horror flick. If you take a good look you can see its eloquent proportions and praise its creator. But if you take a closer look, very close to leave everything behind, you will lose yourself. That's what happened to me.
I don’t know how long I looked at it. But it felt like there was no end. The more I looked at it the more nothing I found. There are no complications deep within, its just a husk. I cannot explain it, I’m looking for a simple word but it escapes me.

“Emptiness Koktou. It’s emptiness.” Touko reads my face.
“It reminds me of someone.”
“Oh?”
“The emptiness on the doll. It reminds me of a friend of mine.”
“The friend you’re waiting for?”
“Yes.”
“What happened to him?”
“She’s in a coma right now.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I visit her every day.”
“That's nice of you.”
“Touko aren’t you planning to put it on an exhibition?”
“Nope.”
“Why?”
“I did try to once. It didn’t pass the bar. Apparently, it represented nothing”

I scoff. If anything that is the point. The emptiness it represents is the rabbit hole. If it were about anything it would've ruined its very purpose. But then again if it had any purpose to begin with it wouldn't be true emptiness. If anything the rejection justifies its existence. But the word existence itself contradicts emptiness. It’s paradoxical creation not to understood by the normal. Some part of me was afraid of it. But some part of me wanted to see the end of it all. If I looked hard enough, would it look like that night? The night where the rain and my blood mixed and I had seen emptiness for the first time?

“This wasn’t made for just an exhibition was it Touko?”
“What are you asking?”
“I feel like you had a specific purpose when making this one”
“Do you have an eye for the weird or something Koktou?”
“At this point, I don’t know.”

She started another smoke. She thought for a while. I kept looking at the doll, only making it harder for me to look away. Touko started to recite,

“The vortex of radix
The beginning and the end
The sole reason for our existence
To reach the Akashik records
To see, to understand, to use

But don’t be a fool
Come close, but don’t touch it
The seven diagrams of the pillars
will simply wash you away
don’t fight it
You shall become one with you and everyone
To reach the root
our raison d’être

The ones who are now revered
reached the truth but never understood
To reason with it,
simply impossible
Hypothetically
If one were ever to
What a lonely god he would be.

So don’t touch it,
Look away
Create a path
Come close
Come as near as possible
And reject
Reject the root
It’s the only way to achieve
True magic”

I kept silent for a while as I did not understand what to say. My thoughts were jumbled up. She however looked satisfied.

“You do poetry to Touko?”
“A friend of mine back in Clock tower wrote it. Cornileous Albus was his name.”
Ah, she probably felt a bit nostalgic.

“This doll was supposed to be my path to the root Koktou. My last attempt. It ended it a tragedy. The only thing I learned that its an impossible venture.”
“You gave up?”
“All equations led to the same place. It’s impossible Koktou. It’s simply a lie.”
“Perhaps you were missing something?”
“Perhaps. A soul maybe.”

A soul would only be sucked in the emptiness. I thought to myself. If this had a soul…. no, I shouldn't think of other people like that.

Touko made a sound tired and stretching and said,

“It’s time to close up Koktou lets go. Let’s get dinner.” saying that she continued out to the door and I followed her.
Following her steps, we reached outside of the workshop she took an orange colored jacket from the hanger and continued to the outside of the office. Soon we were walking down the stairs.

“Let’s mention the elephant in the room Koktou.”
“The fact that you are clearly incapable of-”
Before I could finish my sentence she stopped and looked at me straight in the eye. I stopped and looked as apologetic as possible. She continued walking.

“As you can guess my business is outside of the jurisdiction of the law. I will put forward that I do nothing that is morally wrong, well most of the time anyway. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that technically it’s all illegal. Only the normal side of the business is paying taxes.”
“I figured that much out”
“Of course. I am just surprised how easily you took it all it. You look perfectly normal yet your listening to all this what rest would consider gypsies.”
“Guess I’m just weird like that.”
“You have experienced this before, haven’t you. Things you can’t explain nor tell others.”
“I simply understand you have no reason to lie to me.”
“Then good. Of course, working for me you will be exposed to this side of the world are you okay with that?”
“As long as I am paid right.”
“Of course right. I would like you to think of this place as your channel 14 but make sure you never mix it with your life outside alright?”
“My own channel 14 huh.”

By this time we reached the road. The streets were soaking with rain that had just stopped. Probably seeing the concern in my face Touko san put her glasses on and said,
“I’m treating you for dinner don’t worry.”
“Your too kind.”
“Aren’t I?” she smiled absurdly cutely.

“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“It’s like your another person when your glasses are on”
“Oh this?”
She then took her glasses off to show her sharp-looking eyes that gave a stern feel. She again wore it and she looked like the meekest girl you would find.
“Muscle memory. It triggers with the glasses. Helps with dealing with clients.”
“Which one is the real one?”
“What do you think?.”

Saying that she started walking. I followed right behind her with short footsteps. I do wonder sometimes, what did get my self into. But till now I have never regretted it.