A fascist government has taken over the country. They have stripped the public of their basic rights. The country has become more like a prison. The general public is tired of the authoritarian rule and their tyranny.

That's how they would put it. The ‘rebels’ let's call them. They put words in order which pushes their own agenda, their own belief while disregarding others. If that's the case, are they any different from the government they are opposing? Even if they are. I agree with them. That is, however, putting it in simple terms.

I am getting ahead of my self. My name is not important. The authority says my work is. I am but a simple man of the law. I enforce the law when it is deemed necessary by jurisdiction. My personal opinion does not matter. Order does. And I follow them strictly. It doesn’t matter how inhumane, how atrocious, how cruel these orders can look to onlookers' eyes, in my eyes.
I follow them because it puts food on the table. I follow them because it lets me live in this country as a “free” man.

For this I have regrets. I have many regrets. Regrets that won’t let me sleep at night, regrets for which I cry in the shower. But that's all I can do about it. I am in the end a weak and pathetic man. No matter how much I regret I can do nothing about it. I am scared. I am scared of what could become of me if I do something. For now, the ego says its simply not worth it.

Then what is this? What am I doing right now? What am I writing? Is this a personal diary? A personal doctrine maybe. I do not know. What I want to believe is that this is a revolt. Not a large scale rebellion that revolutionizes the situation stated above no. It is but a small fistfight in my heart. A small argument that I want to address to myself. That hopefully will help me sleep soundly at night. That's what I thought when I started writing this anyway.
But what it turns out, in the end, is completely dependent upon the reader. Not that I am hoping someone will read this of course. I might burn this the very next day for safety measures. As for the time being, there is not a part in me that wants this piece to read by another person.

That is why I am writing this with a pen and paper. Not by any digital, more practical means. Not when every word I type is being double-checked by a person who is paid to do so. Censorship is not only a job sector now. It is considered to be art.

So exactly what do I gain from this? Practically speaking, nothing. Peace of mind? I am only lying to myself then. In the end, maybe I expect something great from this. Maybe I wanted this small act of defiance, by the weave of fate turn out to be something great. Something important. A small pebble in the road of the current future that drastically changed its course of history because of it.

Such wishful thinking. Maybe, maybe I'm just feeling optimistic like that. I’m a man of practicality. So this is unbecoming of me. Such crude selfish optimism is not right. But maybe optimism in fundamentally somewhat selfish to begin with. This slight romanticism might not be that bad, or at least for this moment.

This was probably a weaklings rebellion. A rebellion unlike that of Mordred who put the down the rightful owner of Britain. But just like that this was a selfish rebellion. Maybe a good opposing example would be Spartacus. Who rebelled against the slave-owning Roman republic of his time. An icon of heroism and a battle against oppression. All through historical accounts are contradictory.

Factually speaking, there is no historical account that mentions the final goal was to end slavery in the republic. This breaks apart the whole conceptual strength the name Sparticus holds. History is muddy like that.

Vague. Unclear. Lack of clarity. The things that create friction.

I am unclear about the end goal of the ‘rebels’ (anyone reading this now should have a good idea about which organizations I am talking about)
I previously mentioned. What do they hope to gain from overthrowing the current government?

What system are they proposing? Simply denying one isn’t an acute answer. There must be an end goal in mind. When I do hear an end goal from one party the other says something contradictory. The rebels aren't one but many incoherent voices that only speak of themselves. Much like what we have now. That isn’t surprising. Many of them consists of young minds from far end wide. They themselves are quite aware of it but they remain ignorant. They say our ways may be different but our goodwill is what connects us or something along the lines of such optimism. Preposterous.
Any era of delicious, fatuous optimism shaped by the belief that enough goodwill on the part of people like ourselves could repair anything is absurd.

Their motivation to do such is also unclear to me. Restrictions were always there. The maximalist effort is much for the good now. You may not go out every day without certain criteria but when you do, it is sure you will safely return home. You can’t wander after your done your work but the travel time between your home and your workplace is in the absolute minimum. You cannot write certain things on the internet but it just means you cannot hurt others and in turn, others can’t hurt you, reducing the toxicity that once ruined lives. These are all token examples I can think of that even a 7-year-old can tell anyone. I can’t say I myself can properly explain the unity, the ideology of merit, or even the objective definition of a better society the system we have creates. The lack of individuality only creates a lack of friction. Which in turn creates a lack of conflict. It’s a certain compromise for everything.

I, however, sadly am not totally ignorant of the cons. I can see why one would think of me as nothing but another dog of the system. I can also see why someone would prefer the thing we had before. But I simply can’t shake the stupidity of that wish.
Survival of the fittest, something akin of natural selection. The very reason we have the system is we have now is because the last was unfit. Whatever we had the fact that it was so simply changed is proof of this. Ceaser using every underhanded political technic at his disposal to make himself a dictator for life doesn't make him a good person. But the fact that only one person was able to shake power from the Roman republic and its senators only show how fundamentally broken the system was.

The strong is who are the most responsive to change.

We always say life is all about everything. The good and the bad. We simply accept everything in human life requires of both, then why; why do we expect society which is basically an extension of it must be this all favoring concept? Not everyone will be happy. Not everyone will have the same luxury not everyone will have the same suffering.

I don’t remember my dreams. I am the type who does not dwell on them much. But there was this certain one I remember to this day. I was young and traumatized. It was at the time of the hellish incident in 2022 conducted by ‘them’( Anyone should know which group of people I’m talking about. I simply cannot make my self to name them)
I dreamt of a snowy night on a hillside road brighten by the yellow lampposts.
I was there as my self in contact with a lady in white. I knew for certain this lady was all-knowing, all understanding and all-powerful. And I had a favor.
I had a wish. I wish for world peace and the end of all suffering.
I wasn’t denied but I was neither accepted. She simply smiled a smile I still remember yet I still cannot dissect its meaning. If I had to say it was a rue apologetic smile one smiles when they see someone who they well wish to be in an act of ugly jest.

However, a dream is a dream. Nothing more nothing less. Finding meaning from it is simply far fetched romanticism.
“I have a dream,” the man said. How foolish. Doesn’t he know that all dreams eventually disappear when the dreamers awake? The conclusion of the dream will amount to the years of dreaming into nothing.

The place and names may change but the motif is still the same. Up until now how we treated ‘them’ was simply a lie. I cannot be just talking about myself. There are people who may be apologetic, but they never truly reflected what the man dreamt. So if anything, this is only reality.

It's suffering for ‘them’ but its better for others. Their suffering only translates to the betterment for others. If they must be treated as equals then we are only burdening their suffering on us. How many people are ready to honestly accept that? How many won’t just live the lie we lived and many are living right now?

Even then, no matter how much I try to rationalize it myself. No matter how much I try to explain that this is not right but this isn't wrong either.
I simply cannot lift the dread that is pulling me down. I cannot but feel that there is too much wrong. Too much suffering how it is.

The Buddha said to accept ones suffering. That I should deny my desires and live in moderation. That we must live accepting the fact that we are unified in suffering.
I have accepted my sufferings. I have accepted all the wrongdoings that graced me. But what do I do when I can’t accept the sufferings of others?
What can I do when I can't accept the suffering they go through every day all the time? Their tears of agony in response? Do I tell them to simply accept it? What do I do when that only nets me the scornful eyes and resentful spit from them? Am I missing something obvious? Am I misinterpreting or am I just not yet fully knowledgeable? I do not know.

Basic Ultirtinism, I tell myself. If the outcome is overall good then the suffering more or less, a person experiences should be ethically correct.
But who the hell I am to decide if it was overall good? What will the good to do to ‘them’? Then isn’t it fundamentally wrong?

But is it just me being hopelessly naive to expect a world such as this? Like a perfectly symmetrical circle, a married bachelor is such a utopia these ‘rebels’ dream of is by definition simply impossible?

Even If an all-powerful wish granter graces us, it will be of no use. As long as we humans do not know the answer to such a society how can it fulfill the wish in the first place? An all-knowing being who knows everything and even possibly the answer would probably just laugh as the woman in my dreams did. An all-knowing being who knows the outcome of everything who knows the sacrifice of everything most likely knows the meaningless of everything too. Someone who lives in true nothingness. Both contradict each other.
A truly paradoxical contradiction.